I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize