I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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