You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
