I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
