I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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