we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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