my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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