put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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