so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
