If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Randomize
