Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
