Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize