my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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