she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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