I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize