Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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