My underwear smells like fireworks.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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