I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
