woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
