If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My vagina just clenched in fear
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize