Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
They took my balls.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
