So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize