insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
