but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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