I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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