He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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