fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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