last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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