he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize