You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
