I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
