Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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