Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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