I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i've created a new STD.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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