We're facebook friends in real life
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
