I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
