The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
