I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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