Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
