Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
