Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
