I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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