I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
