I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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