just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
