DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
