At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
