Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
