I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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