no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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