Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Vodka?
Forever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
