how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
