I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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