He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
