omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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