why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
