She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
